I’m a counselor, but not 24/7

As a counsellor, I've learned personally that empathy is a very strong tool for connection and healing.

My work has trained me to look beyond the behavior and into the story behind the behavior 

When someone sits in a session with me, I’m not just looking at what they’ve done; I’m looking into the story that shaped them, what wounded them, what formed the lens through with they see the world, I’m trying to see the patterns. Empathy allows me to meet people in their humanity, even if their actions have caused harm 

This is where it gets interesting 

Overtime, this way of seeing people doesn’t just stay in the counselling room. The nuance appears when this shows up in my personal life 

In therapy, empathy is guided by boundaries, training, emotional distance. In personal relationships, these guides doesn’t always exist 

You can look at someone who hurt you and see their pain, their story, their insecurities, their childhood, their attachment styles. And here comes the tension, now that I understand why they behave the way they do, the question is, do I try to fix?, keep on taking it?, establish clear boundaries?, or leave? 

Empathy makes things complicated sometimes because once you see the human behind the story it can be hard to stand your ground, or set boundaries 

Part of me wants to hold them accountable while other part of me see the wound they carry. Navigating this tension has been one of the hardest part of being both a professional and a human 

I’ve had to come to a realization: outside the counseling room, I’m not a counselor, I’m simply “Lovelyn” I can see someone’s story while still acknowledging my own feelings. I can have compassion for their story without pretending that their actions didn’t hurt me 

I’ve had to realize and still realizing that empathy and boundaries are not opposite, they actually need each other for balance 

Empathy allows me to see people clearly, while boundaries allows me to care for myself while doing so 

So yeah, I’m am learning and relearning, holding compassion for people without loosing compassion for myself 

Here are some “advice” I give myself 

• I am human first, before I am a counselor 
• Empathy doesn’t have an “off” switch 
• Empathy and boundaries must always work together 
• Be careful of the “saviors-complex” the part of empathy where you believe you can fix everyone 
• Understanding someone’s story doesn’t cancel the pain I feel from their behavior towards me, compassion shouldn’t invalidate my own feelings
• I am definitely not everyone’s counselor, every relationship in my life shouldn’t become a therapeutic relationship 
• I don’t have to analyze everyone who wronged me (can someone help me turn off this part of my brain?😂)
• I am allowed to prioritize my own emotional safety 
• I can love them without trying to repair them 

The counselor mode needs to go off sometimes. At the end of the day, “I’m just a girl”. I love being a counselor, it’s my passion, it’s a calling, but I don’t want to bring that role into my personal relationships (this includes all relationships I have apart from the therapeutic ones). 

I don’t also want to be held to the counselor standard outside the counselling room, I don’t want to be patient, understanding, or holding space. I just wanna be a girl and this girl just wants to not be in work mode all her life 🫩

Cheers to being a girl 🥂😂

Bonus: 

Here are some things that can be frustrating to hear in my personal life as counselor 

• You’re a counselor, you should understand 
• Me talking to a friend about something personal and they say “if this was your client, what would you tell them?”  
• You’re a counselor, you shouldn’t behave this way 

Sometimes, these shift the focus from me as a human to just a “service” or a “machine” and doesn’t allow me to just be “a girl” 👧