Fear of abandonment

I have always had this anxiety, that people close to me that I care about are going to leave.
Once I meet someone who is ready to be good and real with me, I dissociate; running away mentally while physically present.

I had this overwhelming fear that if I pull down my walls for you to come in, you're gonna see all the insecurities I'm trying to cover up and also my many flaws. 

These insecurities and flaws are things I couldn't accept about myself and automatically didn't believe they could be accepted by anyone. 

I put on a facade to mask the way I really feel about myself
I have self hated to a point in my life when I hated looking at mirrors, I didn't want to see that girl in the mirror, because it would just remind me of everything she's going through
Oh, I didn't even know who I was anymore
I will find myself asking myself questions
"Who are you"?, " who are you really"? "Is this you?"

But all these started to change when I began to do a conscious healing work
When I realized there is a better way to live than this
No one flourishes in isolation
We are designed to have community with ourselves. 

I began to accept every chapter, every paragraph, every line, every word of my story by seeing every part as a little lovelyn that needs this older lovelyn
And I had to be there for them
Because what happens when I have these breakdowns is my inner children crying out
They needed me but I was either ashamed of them or hated them
But they never leave, I'm gonna have to carry them whether I like it or not

Well, its now up to me to choose how.

I accepted myself for time when I didn't know better, I accepted myself for time when I knew better but didn't do better, I accepted all the heartaches and self hatred I have felt in the past
And I saw that every part of my story made me who I am today
And I am proud of the girl typing this (lol)
(This is a journey and personally I think it's a lifetime journey)
I never stop, I may fall along the way and relapse for a long time but I get up again
If I feel ive given up on this journey, I'll go get help from other people to put me back on track
I may not be where I want to be yet, but I am not where I was 

And if by any chance I find myself there again, I have the road map to lead me out of it.

If you don't accept yourself you can't let people in, you will shut people out because you feel you're not worthy of the love they are trying to give
And there will be this constant feeling of emptiness.

We are all worthy of love, everyone of us irrespective of how "worst" you think you are and the bad things you think you might have done, your flaws and your insecurities. 

Start the healing work this moment by confronting all the version of your story you've been scared to confront
And pick up that crying child today!